The three hardest tasks in the world are neither physical feats nor intellectual achievements, but moral acts: to return love for hate, to include the excluded, and to say, "I was wrong." - Sidney Harris

This workshop is intended to give you all a couple of tools for how to deal with conflict. It will help you to learn how to manage situations that you are directly involved in as well as those situations that you may observe or be asked to mediate.

Why should you care about conflict and managing it well?

Being able to resolve conflict effectively and peaceably is one of the most empowering and necessary skills of citizenship

What are some examples of common conflicts?

What are the elements of a conflict?

What are some feelings that arise in a conflict?

• A look at anger (healthy and unhealthy anger spirals)

What are some typical ways that people tend to handle conflict?

• Solve, fight, walk away

Which ones ëworkí? Which ones do not?

What are some ways that you can solve a conflict?

• Remember the importance of clear communication guidelines and clear expectations for how the discussions will proceed.
• One person speaks at a time
• No put downs, name calling
• No physical threats or violent actions
• Donít ever assume that the other person knows what is bothering you. Express yourself and explain how you feel rather than falling into the trap of saying "you should know how I feel"
• Respect each other and yourself by talking when it is your turn, listening when it is not, and actively work towards solutions that all can agree on.
• Be Honest with yourself and each other.

 

• PEACE Process (from MTVís Take a Stand Against Violence)
• Pause ñ take a second to get a deep breath. Take stock of and control your initial feelings/reactions
• Engage ñ engage the person that you are having a problem with. Listen to what they are saying and summarize. Check for understanding.
• Ask ñ ask questions to further understand the conflict: Whatís going on? What are the real issues here? Are you mad simply because we are loud or are you mad because our volume makes it difficult for you to do your homework? What can we do? Clarify to check that both sides understand the real nature of the conflict.
• Create ñ create options to solve the problems. Make sure that the options deal with everyoneís interests and needs
• Evaluate ñ evaluate each of the options and come up with the best one for all involved

• VOMP

• Vent ñ speaker only talks about his/her feelings ("I feel..") Statements of "I feelÖ" must be followed by actual feelings (ie. Frustrated, mad, disappointed, etc.) "I feel like you suck" is not what weíre afterÖíyou suckí is not a feeling. What is acceptable is for the speaker to say: ëI feelÖwhen you didÖí as long as, of course, it is true that the person didÖ.
• Ownership ñ speaker takes ownership for his/her part in the current conflict: "I realize that I didÖand that might have made you feelÖ" If one person alone was wronged (if one person was responsible for a fight)Ödonít use the VOMP structure. VOMP is only appropriate if those involved have all contributed to the conflict.
• Moccasins ñ speaker puts him/herself in the shoes/moccasins of the other person/people to address how the other person might be feeling: "I bet that you might feelÖ" or "You probably thought that I took that job to spite you and that must have really upset you."
• Plan ñ speaker predicts how this same situation might arise in the future and make a plan for how to avoid its escalation through the process of understanding and communication

But this is cheesyÖI mean, really, am I supposed to say ëOK letís VOMP?

Why not? But keep it realÖacknowledge that some things might be cheesy, but how cheesy it is depends on your approach. Structures like the PEACE Process and VOMP provide principles and a structure on which to rely. Your goal is to solve problems and these structures definitely workÖso whether you introduce them as "letís VOMP" or not is up to you as long as you are using the principles. Consider, also, that by introducing the structures by their name, you are giving the people involved tools to solve their own conflicts in the future. It is much easier and more empowering for someone to remember ëVOMPí than it is to remember ëthat thing that we did where that person helped us talk to each other.í

If I do all this talking and crap like that, Iíll get beat up and people will keep coming after me. I have to stand up and fight. Thatís the only way to get respect where I come from.

Respect from who? Do you really care about respect from people who solve their problems by fighting? What are other ways for you to feel safe and respected? What do you dream about? How does fighting jeopardize those dreams? How have leaders in your community arrived where they are now? They might not know how to talk with each other, but they certainly donít throw physical bunches (most of the time). In fact, I bet that you could teach them a thing or two about communication and conflict resolution.

What if I donít want to resolve anything because I donít like the other person?

Nobody says that you have to like the other person. All weíre going for here is to stop the violence, hate, and distrust that plagues our society. What is one of the most frequent reasons for conflict? "I was disrespected" Well, hereís your chance to build a mutual respect where nobody has to worry about getting hurt or disrespected even further.

Who wins? Who loses?

It is not about that. Weíre trying to build a community and live with each other, not create a competition. If people donít realize that everyone can win, the discussions are doomed. Besides, what are you more proud of: hurting or avoiding people or coming up with a plan?

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